8 Selfies You’ll Never See

In light of the selfie that broke Twitter, I couldn’t help but notice that my own selfies just aren’t what they used to be since I became a mom. My son’s squishy cheek presses against my own as he photobombs each and every one of them (actually, it’s more like I’m the photobomber). Not that I’m complaining. After all, while I’m certainly no where near Ellen’s 2 million retweets, the presence of his silly smile does command a few (dozen) more likes than my old school duck-faced selfies.

The mommy-baby selfies that populate your newsfeed only tell a part of the parenting tale. The truth is that there are some things that are better left unseen. So here it is: the 8 selfies you’ll never see on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else in the universe. Sadly, they are a more accurate reflection of what being a parent is really like, and until one of us mamas crosses that fine line between sharing a little too much and sharing way too much, the rest of the world will continue to believe that raising a child is a delightful experience full of unicorns, rainbows, and giggles.

1. The Morning After a Night with the Sick Baby Selfie
There is not enough makeup in this world and no photo filter powerful enough to transform my deathly dark circles to something slightly less… soul-shakingly terrifying. And, until they add a “Megan Fox” filter, I won’t be making a Instagram appearance under such unfortunate circumstances.

2. The Bathroom Selfie
A long time ago, in what seems like a distant universe, bathroom selfies were commonplace. You know what I’m talking about; you’re out with the girls, checking yourself out in the mirror, thinking, ‘damn, I look good! Forget Megan Fox, they should name a filter after me!’ Not anymore. Now, my bathroom time is the only door-shut time I get in my life. As unusual as it may seem, bathroom time is now used for enjoying a hot cup of coffee, reading magazines, analyzing my pores, and taking showers. I will not trade in any of these activities for a selfie. Never.

3. Intentional Parenting Fail Selfie
These are moments when I know I am letting my toddler do something I shouldn’t be letting him do. For example, when I let him explore my husband’s video game collection – it buys me a few minutes of peace. I won’t be documenting the action by posing in front of the clutter I’ve condoned.

4. Unintentional Parenting Fail Selfie
Kids trip, fall, bump, bruise, and scrape. Even though we watch them around the clock, the second you look away (to check Facebook, or read another meaningless list) an accident is bound to happen. No matter how minor the incident, I’m too busy freaking out and making sure my little guy is okay to capture the moment for the world to witness.

5. The World’s Most Expensive Teething Toy
My beloved iPhone, which served as an extension of my hand in my babyless days, has turned into the world’s most expensive teething toy. This one is a logistical issue. I can’t capture him in the act because, well, he’s got the only thing I take photos with – my iPhone.

6. The Co-sleeping Selfie
Kids have a tendency to find their way into your bed. You can put them in their own room, buy a climb-proof crib, shut the lights, lock the door – all our attempts will inevitably be in vain because they WILL find a way back. And, when they do, it sucks. You’ll never catch an image of this on Instagram, so let me paint the picture for you: mommy and daddy are gripping the edges of the mattress, while baby dearest is sprawled wide with limbs spread in every direction (feet in mommy’s face) enjoying the best sleep of his life.

7. Poop Blowouts, Projectile Vomit, and Pee Fountain Selfie
The frequency of which babies expel bodily excrements is shocking. It’s hard to believe these little cuddle bunnies have the ability to produce so much disgusting stuff. I have a hard time dealing with it and it’s coming out of my own ad kid, I definitely will not be exposing the rest of the world to it. Also (but less importantly), I don’t want my kid to hate me when he grows up and finds a picture of me posing for a selfie while he’s wailing over a blowout in the background. (I’m sure he’ll hate me anyways, but I don’t want a poop shot to be the reason why).

8. The Ultimate Mommy Moment Selfie
When I’m bawling my eyes out because I’ve just witnessed my little jellybean grow into a little person in yet another heart-meltingly miraculous way, I won’t be leaning in to squish my cheek next to my little boy’s for the photo op. I’ll be too busy basking in the glory of motherhood to be bothered with showing the twitterverse the real reason why being a mom is the best job in the world.

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